Thanks to you.......

This is a followup from my previous post. This is the secular take on it I guess, but I thought it was amusing. Enjoy!

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.



I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . . .

Oh, by the way..... A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Funny..........

I saw this on my cousin Jen's blog. She posted the link to read it and it came from someone else's blog. I thought it was hilarious!! One thing I don't understand is when I constantly get forwarded all kinds of emails claiming all kinds of things and how people don't check www.snopes.com to find out if it is true or not before they forward it to all kinds of other people. OR, they send these meaningful emails, which some I really enjoy, but at the end it is ruined with all the...if you don't send this in 5 seconds or 5 minutes to 10 other people you will have a hex put on you, etc. If people only would check out if it was factual before forwarding and know that you CANNOT sign a petition by email and you are wasting your time as well as all the other people you send those too. Anyway, here is the post by this guy about some of those chain emails.

__________________________________________________________________


Recently, a reader asked me if I would write a response she could send all her well meaning friends and family members that forward her Christian-flavored chain emails. She asked if I would help her “Break the Chains.”I thought that was a funny idea and decided to take a stab at it. But because crazy Christian forwarded emails come in so many different varieties, I felt like the best plan was to write it “Mad Lib” style where you can pick the most appropriate phrase or word to drop into the email if you want to send it. Without further ado, here’s my attempt to break the chains:




Dear (friend, turbo religious relative, lady at church that somehow got my email address),

It’s great to hear from you. It’s been (a month, a week, about 30 seconds) since you last included me on an email forward. This one was (funny, poignant, gross). I was unaware that there was a poem written by a five-year old that answered the question (does God cry?, do animals go to heaven?, were there unicorns on Noah’s ark?). I appreciate you sharing the (official prayer for marriages, the real meaning of Flag Day, lyrics to the Christmas Shoes song). Had I known that (Jesus would bless me if I sent this email to seven people, a politician was trying to do that, kitten photos could be combined so perfectly with Bible verses) I would have immediately notified everyone I know as well.

I look forward to (signing that online petition, praying for a hoax that was exposed on snopes.com in 2004, or unleashing the waves of righteous fury you hinted at). I’m not completely convinced that (a new movie, a new song, a new dance craze) is officially the fourth horseman of the apocalypse but I appreciate your passion to root out that last elusive equine harbinger of the final days. Thanks again for the email. I look forward to many more.

In the meantime, I’ll be reading stuffchristianslike.net. That guy needs some serious prayer and if you read the site seven times you get new rims on your car. I don’t know how he does it, but you’ll be sitting on 20s before you know it and like TI can just live your life.

Side hugs and Razzle Dazzle(Insert your name)

p.s. I’ve included the recipe for miracles which I found online as an added bonus. Enjoy!

Ingredients:
1 part of knowing who you are
1 part of knowing who you aren't1 part of knowing what you want
1 part of knowing who you wish to be
1 part of knowing what you already have
1 part of choosing wisely from what you have
1 part of loving and thanking for ALL you have

Instructions: Combine ingredients together gently and carefully, using faith and vision. Mix together with strong belief of the outcome until finely blended. Use thoughts, words and actions for best results. Bake until Blessed. Give thanks again.